The Sock watched so you don't have to..
The Sock finally got round to watching the next few episodes of His Organic Jerkin's Dream Farm series. They exerted a curious fascination - the sort of alternate reality you might enter if you joined the Scientologists or entered America's Next Top Model show. In fact, Tyra Banks and Monty Don would seem to have a lot in common....
And on that farm they had some chickens - with a henhouse here and a duckhouse there
This week's no-hopers, Rob and Sue plus young children, want to play at living off the land with their chickens and veg. The Lord of Cord decides they need to 'engage with the land' and to do this they must have pigs. In reality Rob is finishing a house he is building and has no time for the farm. Monty comes over all paternalistic and admonishes them amidst much gnashing of teeth and weeping and wailing, refusing to return if they won't play nicely. Everyone admits that he is right (especially Monty) and there is a group hug. The pigs turn up and suddenly everyone becomes deliriously happy. At this point the Sock thought she had woken up in the middle of Deal or no Deal as she heard Noel Edmonds say "...now we can feel the energy. When you feel the energy.. then your dreams can fly." But it wasn't Noel it was Monty. There was so much energy around by this time that Rob started building designer chicken houses at £700 a throw and selling them to MPs on expenses.
And on that farm they had some pigs - Nice pigs, shame about the mange
The next week we have two efficient entrepreneurs for His Organic Jerkin to patronize. They don't actually need Monty to help them set up their proposed business growing and selling veg and running a farm shop with cafe. Monty decides that they need to 'engage with the public' and 'communicate with the community' to sell their concept and suggests they need some pigs. Lots of small children turn up to see said pigs and Monty explains how "pigs are so intelligent, so friendly, and
So two episodes down and the Sock is wondering if she can actually go on with this tedium when Fat Rascal emails her from her mountain top in France and suggests 'MontyBollox'. For every meaningless and hackneyed phrase Monty utters you score a point and take a gulp of wine! For totalbollox you drink a full glass.
Armed with a couple of bottles of Rioja the Sock curled up to watch the next episode..
And on that farm she had some alpacas - nice alpacas shame about the lack of planning permission
This week's nitwit is a woman who has bought some land and built a kit house from 'Cheap and nasty-looking-Chalets-R-us' without planning permission on greenbelt land. His Organic Jerkin mentions this but fails to fully condemn it. In fact he says "I'd like to help her free herself from this tangle she's got into." Whereas the Sock would like to see the eyesore violating planning permission bulldozed down and the woman heavily fined. The nitwit has bought herself some pretty alpacas saying "lots of people thought I was crazy but you don't have to eat them which I love and they're not dirty and smelly." This doesn't bode well for Monty suggesting pigs again so he goes for the sheep concept instead. By this time the Sock is already two glasses down and the program hardly started. Points were scored and wine flowed for the following
engaged with the land (or people) x 15
connect with the land x 3
charm offensive x 2
you are not an island [total bollox]
new energy about the land
bond with the land
comfort zone x 3
"where is the hunger to get this going, without the hunger it will not work" [total bollox]
the Sock believes the following was actually said TWICE in the Monty-scripted program but make allowances for the fact that by this time she was nearing the end of the second bottle and was definitely seeing double so could have been hearing it too
"you're talking the talk but you're not walking the walk - my advice to you is to start walking!".
One horrible hangover later and the Sock isn't up to watching the next episode but has received email from a correspondent in Paris who watched it so the Sock doesn't have to.....
I watched Dream Farm with Monty Bad Trousers and was horrified. It should have been titled "Let's all have a larf at this bloke with mental health ishoos making a mess of his farm". The bloke was bipolar. His Trousership kept saying "What happens if you have another attack?" and to the wife "What will happen if he gets sick again?" on on the voiceover "Will it break the dream?"
They were a dream couple for the dream farm series as she was black and he was ginger so they'd got their PC minority quotas dealt with in one episode. The bloke resisted acquiring animals all the way through (all he really wanted was to build a barn out of rubble he had collected but the Great Man wouldn't let him). He was persuaded to rent out some sheep grazing so The Organic Jerkin said "Perhaps the sheep indicate that X is in a more positive frame of mind." Near the end, Bad Trousers said that at last X was achieving his dream of having animals on this land. X looked very shifty - you could tell the cows would be straight back where they came from as soon as the Jerkin had exited the premises. All the way through BT kept up his sanctimonious "understanding" voiceover but totally failed to establish any connection with the poor bloke. Frankly it was larfable! The bloke only looked really happy when he brought back and ancient old caravan that he had got for nothing during a manic phase!So there we have it. The Sock feels that the only way this series could be improved is to have the kind of crossover that we are currently experiencing with the CSI Trilogy. By mixing Dream Farm with The Archers we have a storyline where...
Mad Dairy Queen Helen Archer is desperate for a baby and Monty turns up and gives her one!
Red wine and turkey-basters all round!